-from Inc.
“Tell me more.”
This simple but powerful phrase is the key to having better conversations, engaging another person’s interest, and making people want to talk to you.
That insight comes from Matt Abrahams, Stanford lecturer in organizational behavior, and author of the new book Think Faster, Talk Smarter.
Although Abrahams has degrees in psychology and communications, he learned this powerful phrase from his mother-in-law, he writes in a piece at CNBC.com. In Abrahams’ family, people talked over each other, and whoever was loudest was the only one who got heard, he writes. So when he married, he was deeply impressed with his mother-in-law’s emotional intelligence and her generosity in inviting others to speak about themselves.
“Her favorite phrase was ‘Tell me more,’ and it happens to be one that people who are good at small talk always use,” he explains. He adds, “I sensed immediately how much connection she forged with those three simple words, and I saw how much she learned from the people with whom she conversed.”
Support response or shift response?
The key to this powerful phrase–and to engaging conversations in general–is understanding the difference between support responses and shift responses, Abrahams writes. A support response supports the other person by showing interest in what they’ve said and signaling that you want to hear more from them. A shift response shifts the conversation from them to you.
For example, an entrepreneur friend tells you they’re frustrated because one of their customers hasn’t paid them, even though the payment is long overdue. A shift response might be: “Oh, I’ve had that experience too! One time I had a customer who didn’t pay me for six months. They finally paid me after I filed against them in small claims court.” That might make you feel like you’re providing useful information, and perhaps you are.
But a better response might be to show interest in your friend’s particular situation and learn a bit more before you do that. Try a response such as, “Tell me more,” or “That’s awful! What reason are they giving for the delay?” That shows your friend you care about their situation and gives them the opportunity to provide a few more details. For example, you might learn that their non-paying customer is outside the United States, in which case filing in small claims court might not be an effective approach.
A balance between supporting and shifting.
Both support responses and shift responses are useful in the course of a conversation. If all your responses were support responses, you would be, in effect, withholding information about yourself. “Other people want to learn about us, and we don’t want to come across as withdrawn or secretive,” Abrahams explains. But most of us do too much shifting and too little supporting, both because we want to convey understanding by relating something similar about ourselves and because most of us enjoy talking about ourselves more than we enjoy listening to others.
So the best solution may be to stay aware of which type of response you’re giving, and to make sure to strike a good balance between supporting and shifting. That’s especially true if someone tells you about a difficult experience, or a personal triumph. The emotionally intelligent approach is to provide several support responses, to show your interest and give the other person the opportunity to vent about whatever’s bothering them, or revel in their good news. After that, you might shift the conversation to you, and share some experiences of your own.
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